Camp, Die, and be Merry
by Pink Raccoon
Summary: The classic first! This was my first GW fanfic. Be afraid! The Gundam pilots, Hilde, and Relena go on a wild camping trip.


~CAMP, DIE, AND BE MERRY~ *GUNDAM WING*  
  
Trowa threw his suitcase in the back of a green van.  
  
"Why do we have to do this again?" Asked Duo leaning on the van looking at Trowa.  
  
"Well, Quatre said that we should become one with nature." Said Trowa walking back inside. Duo shrugged.  
  
"Whatever that means..." Duo sighed, following Trowa. Quatre popped his head from inside the kitchen.  
  
"Heero, where is Relena? We're leaving in five minutes." Asked Quatre closing the food cooler.  
  
"Why is she coming again?" Asked Wufei looking up from his place leaned against the wall.  
  
"Maybe Heero wanted her to." Said Duo jumping up in the air and plopping down on the couch beside Heero, elbowing him. Heero shot a look at Duo. "Geez..." Sighed Duo rolling his eyes and looking away. "Take a joke."  
  
"Where did she go?" Repeated Trowa looking around.  
  
"Did you check the closet?" Asked Duo popping open a soda. Everyone looked at Duo. "That's where Heero locked her last time!!" Whined Duo at the criticism.  
  
"Heero." Shot Quatre.  
  
"She was getting annoying." Said Heero under his breath. Duo spit out his soda in laughter. Even Wufei chuckled and shook his head. Only Quatre didn't laugh, but he rolled his eyes smiling. "Can we bring beer?" Asked Duo once he recovered.  
  
"NO!" Shot Quatre lifting the cooler.  
  
"Humph." Sighed Duo standing. Just then Quatre moved quickly as to not be ran into by Hilde, running in. She ran up to Duo with a backpack on.  
  
"Sorry I'm late." She smiled standing in front of him.  
  
"Why are you here?" Asked Duo, looking down in surprise.  
  
"Nice greeting." Said Hilde setting down her backpack on the couch. Quatre came back from setting the cooler in the car.  
  
"Well, as soon as Relena comes we can go." Said Quatre sitting down.  
  
"I'm here!!" Laughed Relena running into the house.  
  
"Sorry I was late, somebody let the air out of the tires of ALL my limos." She laughed sitting beside Heero.  
  
"Wonder who did that..."Said Wufei looking at Heero for a moment.  
  
"Oh, your coming too?" Asked Relena looking up at Hilde.  
  
"Apparently." She replied walking outside.  
  
"Okay, let's go then." Said Quatre walking outside. When everyone but Duo was outside, he ran into the kitchen carrying his suit case. Duo opened the fridge and threw in a six-pack, laughing to himself.  
  
"Wait for me!!" He called running back outside. 2 Hours later...  
  
"Were here." Said Quatre cheerfully shaking Duo who sat in the passenger seat, fast a sleep. He opened his eyes slowly as the other awoke. Heero looked down to see Relena sleeping curled up on him.  
  
"Ah!" He said raising his voice. Relena looked up slowly at him. Heero jumped out as her head fell and hit the seat. Hilde giggled from behind them. Relena sat up and put her hands on her hips. She then stood and ran after Heero.  
  
"Wait for me!!" She called as Wufei jumped out followed by Hilde, Trowa last.  
  
"It's so pretty up here." Said Hilde walking up to Duo who was beside Quatre getting things out of the back.  
  
"If the middle of the wilderness is 'pretty'." Sighed Duo crossing his arms.  
  
"Here." Said Quatre throwing two sleeping bags to Duo. "It gets below 0' at night. You'll need them both."  
  
"What!!?? Below zero??" Exclaimed Duo in surprise. Quatre pulled out his tent. "Yep." He said carrying it to a cleared spot. Trowa pulled out his and began to set it up. Heero ran up to Duo. Looking from side to side and then running again.  
  
"Heeeeeeeeero!!" Called Relena smiling after him. Hilde held out a hand, stopping Relena.  
  
"He went that way." She said pointing the other direction. Relena looked for a sec and then followed her directions. Heero popped up from behind the van.  
  
"She gone?" Heero asked. Duo nodded. He walked back out.  
  
"Relena doesn't usually do this..." Said Hilde watching her run away.  
  
"Everyone has different personalities when their drunk." Shrugged Duo.  
  
"DrUnK?!?" Exclaimed Hilde looking towards Duo.  
  
"Uh..." He studderd.  
  
"You got The Princess of the Sanc Kingdom drunk!!!!!!??" Yelled Hilde.  
  
"I think it's funny..." He said looking down. "I snuck it in her Epyon bottle." He laughed.  
  
"Duo!! I sware, sometimes..." Sighed Hilde. "So now drunk Relena is running around the mountains?" Asked Wufei walking up, who overheard.  
  
"Oh my god." Said Hilde after a minuet.  
  
  
  
**4 Hours later...  
  
"Where is your tent?" Asked Duo looking up at Wufei who sat in a tree.  
  
"Only WeAKliNgs use tents!!!" Said Wufei looking down. Hilde wore a heavy coat as she looked down by a river.  
  
"What if she never comes back?" Asked Hilde, troubled.  
  
"Then there is a God." Said Duo peeking his head from the tent.  
  
"Duo!!" Snapped Hilde.  
  
"She'll come back..." Said Quatre musing Hilde.  
  
"What's for dinner?" Asked Duo laying down in his tent.  
  
"Hunt like REAL men!!!" Shot Wufei popping both eyes open.  
  
"Well.."Said Quatre looking at the van. A bear was eating from the cooler.  
  
"Ahhhhh!!!" Yelled Quatre.  
  
"The food!!!!" Yelled Duo jumping out of his tent. "AHHHHH!!!!" He yelled as the bear ran.  
  
"There is no more..." Sighed Trowa looking through it. "Demon-BEAR!!!" Cried Duo falling to his knees.  
  
"I'll just go buy some-" Said Hilde stopping seeing a baby bear chewing on the front tire. "Ahh!" Scream Hilde as it scampered off.  
  
"Child-Demon-BEAR!!!" Yelled Duo pointing at it.  
  
"Your not helping!!!" Yelled Hilde looking at Duo.  
  
"So all that we have is the juice keg?" Asked Trowa looking at the orange gadorade dispenser.  
  
"Yeah..." Gulped Quatre. "And the front tire is completely destroyed."  
  
"There is a spare...right?" Asked Duo.  
  
"That was Relena's job." Said Quatre looking down at her left bags. He opened the largest.  
  
"Yes..."He sighed holding it up. He then dropped it.  
  
"You popped that one TOO HEERO!!!??" Yelled Quatre.  
  
"I thought it was for HER car.." He sighed.  
  
"AHH!!!" Yelled Duo. "Demon-HEERO-BEAR!!!"  
  
"What?" Asked Hilde looking down at Duo.  
  
"I don't know." Shrugged Duo. "Habit by now."  
  
"We should get some sleep." Said Quatre looking up at the fading sky. "It'll be dark soon, and it's hard to sleep when your freezing."  
  
Duo stood and walked over to his tent.  
  
  
  
***An hour later..when everyone is asleep...but Demon-DUO-BEAR!!!!  
  
  
  
Duo opened his bag and took out the beers. He walked outside and sat beside the last keg. He opened one.  
  
"What are you doing?" Asked Hilde yawning, half asleep. Duo panicked and poured them ALL in the keg. "Oh man..." He sighed once he realized what he did. "Those were my last beers."  
  
"Duo?" She asked poking her head out of her tent. "God..it's freezing out here...what are you doing?"  
  
"Nothing." He said standing and walking back to his tent.  
  
  
  
Next Morning.... Heero opened his eyes slowly.  
  
"AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" He yelled scrambling out of his tent. Quatre jumped out of his.  
  
"What?" Hilde and Trowa looked at him. They were already awake.  
  
"God..." Said Heero walking towards them. He never once blinked.  
  
"Huh?" Said Duo poking his head out of his tent. "What happened?"  
  
Heero pointed towards his tent with a shaking finger. Quatre walked over to it and poked his head in. He shot away.  
  
"Uh...Uh..." Relena poked her head out of the tent, rubbing her eyes. She looked around.  
  
"What happened...? I don't remember anything..." She then looked behind at her self in the tent. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Why am I JUST wearing a leaf-diaper!!!?? What's going on?? Duo!!!!! That was a sick joke!!!!!!!!!!" She screeched.  
  
"Hey, I didn't do that." He shrugged. He then started laughing VERY hard. "Only a diaper?! HEERO!!!" He said busting out in tears of laughter. "QUATRE!!!!" Quatre sort of stumbled over to the others who where sitting by the keg. Duo looked at the others.  
  
"Oh no..." He sighed. Trowa was feasting on 'juice'.  
  
"Save some for others Trowa..." Said Hilde looking at him. "You've dranken seven glasses so far." Duo jolted back into his tent. He looked down at a little wrapper that was stuck to one of the cans. 'This beer is 99 percent alcohol and is very dangerous to judgment. WARNING: Drink one third of can at a time.' Duo looked back towards the door of his tent. Trowa just drank about three. Relena threw on a sweater and walked out in her leaf-diaper.  
  
"Where is my bag??" She asked looking around.  
  
"The van." Said Hilde slowly.  
  
"Hey...there is a note here." Said Relena bending and picking it up. Hilde walked over and read it aloud as Relena got her bag and changed in Heero's tent.  
  
"Dear Campers,  
  
I should tell you, there is bears around here. Be cautious. Well, when I came you were asleep, so I decided to let you. I'll be back in three weeks to check up on you. Hey, you guys got the perfect little spot to not be bothered. Your about fourty miles from anyone or anything. Well, watch for bears and take care.  
  
Your friend, Ranger Vick."  
  
"He has a gift with timing." Said Duo stepping out of his tent. "How about we kill Ranger Vick? Such a nice name...Demon-Ranger-VICK- BEAR!!!!!!!"  
  
"Duo...please...not now..." Whined Hilde.  
  
"Though killing him would be nice..." Said Wufei jumping down.  
  
"This juice is great..." Said Trowa lifting it to his mouth, chugging.  
  
"TROWA!!!" Yelled Hilde running towards him. "We need that."  
  
"I need it more!!!!!!!!!!" Slurred Trowa yelling for a moment and then chugging the rest.  
  
"That was a seven gallon keg..." Said Duo astonished. He got up and sat beside Trowa. "Way t' go Trowa!!!! Chug King!!" Said Duo punching him playfully.  
  
"AHHHHH!!!!!" Yelled Trowa snapping his head at Duo and widening his eyes.  
  
"Whoa." Said Hilde looking at him. Trowa stood, throwing the keg at Quatre, knocking him down.  
  
"Come squirrels!!!!!!! MEET YOUR KING!!!!!!!" He slurred running into the forest shaking his arms in the air.  
  
"Why did he smell like twenty bottles of liquor??" Asked Hilde looking at Duo.  
  
"Um...It was an accident?" Duo replied quietly.  
  
"You got him drunk too!!!!!!!!????" yelled Hilde.  
  
"A little..." Said Duo.  
  
"A little?!!! He thinks he's KING OF THE SQUIRRELS!!!!!!!!" Screamed Hilde. Quatre crawled to his knees.  
  
"Ow...You mean to tell me Trowa is drunk?" Said Quatre standing.  
  
"That's only obvious..." Said Duo rolling his eyes.  
  
"I don't believe you!!!!!!! Duo!!!!!! Agh!!!" Exclaimed Hilde walking towards the van. "Oh god..." She said seeing Relena drinking to rest of her epyon bottle. "Relena!!!" Yelled Hilde running up and knocking the empty bottle out of her hands.  
  
"Heero!!!!!!!!" Yelled Relena running up to him. She threw his arms around him, slurring heavily. "I lovfffeee wyouhh." She said. She stood and started spinning in circles. "Whheee...." She sighed. She then fell on her face. She lifted her dirt covered face, standing. She walked up to Heero again, who was still and afraid. "You haffve to marry me..." She said hugging him. She then turned towards Duo.  
  
"Your hot, but yooouuur annoying." She smiled bobbing her head, unable to keep it stable. She looked back to Heero and suffocated him with a kiss. He fell over in his chair with Relena still on him. She pulled her head away and rolled into a bush.  
  
"Heero..." She whispered before snoring.  
  
"She's asleep." Said Wufei walking over to Heero and helping him up. Duo laughed at frozen Heero.  
  
"I'll go find us some food. Quatre, you come and we'll look for Trowa." Said Wufei pulling out his sword and walking off. Quatre stumbled after.  
  
"Were doomed." Said Hilde looking around.  
  
"No, were dead." Replied Duo.  
  
  
  
Wufei slashed at bushes before them as Quatre followed, peering at nature.  
  
"I wonder where Trowa went off to." Said Quatre trying to arouse conversation as he ducked beneath broken twine.  
  
"Stop." Said Wufei quickly holding him back with his arm. There was something in a bush before them. Wufei knelt beside it. A wide-eyed Trowa popped out and began to run in the other direction. A trail of squirrels followed him.  
  
"Trowa!!!" Yelled Quatre chasing him.  
  
"Quatre no!! He's drunk, he's not the same person, you don't know what he may do!!" Called Wufei chasing them both, sword in hand. Trowa stopped and turned. Quatre looked to the side.  
  
"Trowa, where is your clothes?" Asked Quatre disgaurding his view.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!" Yelled Trowa into a tree. He scrambled up as his 'subjects' followed. he sat on a branch and threw acorns at Quatre. Quatre covered his head looking up as Wufei came into view.  
  
"At least Relena had the decency of a leaf-diaper." Sighed Wufei putting his sword into it's case on his side. Trowa looked around and tied together some leafs. He put it on his head...like a crown.  
  
"He's lost it." Said Wufei walking up to Quatre. "Maybe we can catch him?" Asked Quatre. Wufei started to climb the tree. Trowa flipped down and scrambled into the brush. Wufei jumped down and ran after him. Quatre was left. He looked around.  
  
"Hopefully he knows his way back to camp..." Sighed Quatre walking towards camp.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"You idiot!!" Yelled Hilde walking side to side.  
  
"Watch your blood pressure." Mused Duo. Hilde stopped and sat down.  
  
"I usually don't get mad...I'm sorry..." She sighed. She then looked up. "Let's go over our situation." Duo looked towards her.  
  
"Okay, were stranded here for three weeks. We've got drunk Relena, who's more enjoyable when incautious. And then there's King of the Squirrels, who's more than likely abandoned his clothes and made a home in a tree, screaming at passing animals. Then, we have Heero who's to paralyzed to talk, Tree-Man who is inhumanly invincible compared to us mere humans. Then there's Quatre, who will probably be emotionally scarred for life when this is over. And we can't forget you, who is having a breakdown." Said Duo laying back.  
  
"And then there is Duo, the boy who thinks it's FUNNY to make people prance around the woods in their underwear screaming to fury LITTLE ANIMALS!!!!" Shouted Hilde. "A breakdown???!!!! THIS ISN'T A BREAKDOWN!!!! This is loosing all hope of ever coming home because my only comfort is drunk people or an immature boy WHO CAUSED IT ALL!!!!" Said Hilde stopping to breathe. Hilde walked over to the van and leaned on it. "And all that we have left to do is wait until someone returns." She said looking up.  
  
"Or until someone dies." Said Duo crossing his arms. Just then Relena stirred. She lifted her head slowly.  
  
"God, I feel like I was just hit by twenty cars..." She moaned rolling over.  
  
"Welcome to a hangover..." Sighed Duo.  
  
"Hangover????You GOT ME DRUNK???" Exclaimed Relena.  
  
"You drank from the same bottle that got you drunk the first time." Said Hilde looking towards her.  
  
"You mean my epyon....?"  
  
"Yep." Replied Duo standing. "But I wasn't sure what this stuff could do until I saw Trowa...there's a case."  
  
"You mean to tell me that you bought this stuff JUST FOR THE TRIP???"' Shouted Hilde about to get madder.  
  
"Hey, I don't drink that much." Shrugged Duo. "I hardly ever even touch the stuff."  
  
"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Yelled Hilde walking towards him.  
  
"Hilde, don't kill him!!!" Yelled Relena running up and stopping her with both hands. Then Heero stood.  
  
"Wufei and Quatre should have been back by now..." Heero said looking around with clenched fists. Just then Quatre walked from the woods.  
  
"Did you find Trowa?" Asked Heero.  
  
"Wufei is in chase." Said Quatre sitting and looking at Hilde and Relena. Hilde turned and sat down, putting her hands on her head.  
  
"Maybe we can walk back?" Said Duo looking up.  
  
"You read the letter, it's fourty miles away..." Sighed Hilde.  
  
"Oh yeah..." Sighed Duo leaning back.  
  
  
  
Two weeks later...*.*...  
  
  
  
Duo barely got the strength to lift his head as he looked around at the blurred figures.  
  
"Are we dead?" He whispered looking at Hilde who also lay in the sun. She rolled over.  
  
"No....I wish..." She sighed. She pulled herself to her feet, struggling. She dragged her feet near Quatre who leaned over a plant that he was chewing on.  
  
"Quatre?" She whispered. "I don't know if it's poisonous....I've been eating it for the past two days...and I don't care..." He said shoving a leaf in his mouth. Hilde knelt and put a piece in her mouth. She spit it out.  
  
"The taste in unbearable..." She choked, tightening her face. Quatre looked up.  
  
"Tastes fine to me." he said before going back to eating.  
  
"There's one of us that won't die..." Sighed Duo sitting up.  
  
"Whoa, look at you..." Said Hilde peering at Duo. "Your practically see- through...I could wrap my hand around your stomach..." Not to mention how skinny he was before!!  
  
"You should talk." He said standing. He walked over to Relena, who lay in the back of the van.  
  
"You alive?" He asked shaking her gently.  
  
"I never thought I'd go on a vacation where the main question was, 'are you alive?'" Sighed Hilde laying down again. Relena rolled over, her hair puffing around her.  
  
"Yes, alive..." She whispered. "Where is Heero?"  
  
"In his tent...he's been in there for two days..." Said Duo turning. Relena pulled to her feet and walked over to the tent.  
  
"Heero?" She called, poking her head in. Heero looked up and walked out of the tent past Relena.  
  
"The normal human can live for a week without food, we've lasted two. We can't keep going forever." He said sitting beside Quatre. Just then a bearded face popped from the bushes.  
  
"Wufei?" Said Hilde squinting. He walked out with a belt of dead squirrels.  
  
"Where have you been?" Asked Duo watching him scramble up a tree. Wufei starred down with wide eyes.  
  
"I think he's mentally unstable..." Said Quatre looking up.  
  
"Of all guys to crack..." Sighed Duo.  
  
"Wufei, could you come down?" Asked Quatre looking up towards him. He hugged his dead squirrels in security.  
  
"Don't look at my squirrels!!!!!!!!" He shouted jumping from the tree. He crouched near the ground on all fours.  
  
"Yep, he's gone..." Said Hilde.  
  
"You can't have them!!!!!!!!" He yelled before scurrying into a bush. He poked his head out. "Your looking at them!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop it!!!!!!!!" He yelled, then running into forest.  
  
"We lost him too." Sighed Duo putting both hands behind his back.  
  
Five days later...eesh...  
  
  
  
"Can I eat you Hilde?" Asked Duo looking towards her.  
  
"Yeah, okay..." She said breathing heavily.  
  
"If I had the strength too." Whined Duo rolling over.  
  
"Two days...that's it...Then the ranger will come..." Sighed Quatre by a fire he made.  
  
"I don't care what it tastes like any more....give me food..." Moaned Hilde. Quatre walked over and handed her some of his leaves. She put them in her mouth and made a Kodac face. Duo laughed quietly.  
  
***Two days later!!!!! Bet you that they are happier than I am...  
  
Duo looked around for the ranger at the top of the van.  
  
"No sign." He sighed. "Wait...what's that??" He said pointing towards something up in a tree. "Trowa?!?" He called jumping down. "Hey guys, it's Trowa!!!!!!" Quatre ran over and looked up the tree.  
  
"Trowa!!" He yelled. A man in a fur skirt and leaf crown looked down.  
  
"Trowa?" Said Relena looking up awkwardly at him. Trowa jumped down, crouching.  
  
"Your back!!" Mused Quatre. Trowa looked around.  
  
"Aeieieieieieieeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He called into the air. Hundreds of squirrels popped up from trees all around. Hilde stood and walked up to him.  
  
"Forgive me." She said slapping him. He looked up with wide eyes.  
  
"Ah!" He yelled looking around him in surprise. "What..?"  
  
"it's okay Trowa...your just like Relena...only you've been roaming the forest for about three weeks..." Said Quatre.  
  
"And you probably mated with a squirrel." Chuckled Duo quietly.  
  
"Duo!!" Snapped Hilde. Trowa stood from his position and walked into his tent.  
  
"Hey, I see a car!!!!" Yelled Duo.  
  
"Ranger Vick!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yelled Hilde. As it pulled up, Trowa came from his tent in clothes. Wufei peeked his head from the forest , looking around as everyone rushed to explain to 'Ranger Vick.' He threw off his belt of squirrels and ran over.  
  
"Wufei?" Said Hilde turning as the others explained.  
  
"What?" He replied.  
  
1 hour later...it took a while to pack their stuff!!!  
  
Duo smiled as he gazed out the car window.  
  
"I'm never going camping ever again..." Sighed Hilde leaning back. Everyone nodded in unison.  
  
"Demon-forest-bear..." Whispered Duo as reflections of green trees shone in his eyes.  
  
"Remind me to kill you when we get back...Duo." Said Hilde closing her eyes. Duo who wasn't paying attention replied, "Okay." 


End file.
